Second Thoughts

Things you can do with the extra second of 2008:

1. Blink
2. Nap
3. Complete a Jumble
4. Spend time with family
5. Turn back clocks
6. Watch “Saturday Night Live: The Best of Jimmy Fallon”
7. Discover the meaning of life
8. Learn to play the triangle
9. Travel
10. Waste it

Life Lessons

I’ve learned so many things over the years, but not as much as I’ve learned in the past year, a year of personal exploration and exploring myself. Here are a few life lessons I’d like to pass on to you, my readers, because my life is more meaningful than yours will ever be.

1. “Live every day to the fullest.” I really mean this. I was sitting on my porch the other day watching little kids playing on their scooters and solving their Rubik’s cubes, when I realized that life is too short to just sit on a porch and watch kids play with their toys. I got out of my chair swing, careful not to fall, and fell right on my face. After a visit to the emergency room, I swore to my doctor that I would never take my life for granted, to which he said, “Get out of my bar.” Inside joke.

2. “Be thankful for what you have.” This one I really mean. I may not have much, but at least I have my health, my love of children, and a three-by-eight inch scar on my forehead from that time I fell face-first onto my porch. I cherish these things because they are what make me who I am today. A pedophile.

3. “Slut it up.” I mean this one a lot, guys. Life is too short, and so should be your skirt. You ride around on your little scooter wearing your Sunday dress like you don’t even notice me, but I know you do. You're a tease. Look at me. LOOK AT ME! Yeah, you heard that one, didn’t you? Oh, what, you’re going to go cry to your mommy now? Go right ahead. I dare you.

4. “Prison is a great place to reflect.”

Pizza Huff

I have a sneaking suspicion that Pizza Hut is lying to us in their recent Tuscani Pasta ad campaign. Real people, at a real Italian restaurant, are tricked into eating real Pizza Hut food, and are real impressed.

Really?

One woman says of the Bacon Mac ‘n Cheese churning in her mouth, “This is decadent.” Yeah, nothing says decadence like sprinkling some Bac-Os onto your mac ‘n cheese. Molto bene!

But we’ve all experienced it. We go to an upscale Italian restaurant, and there’s one of those waiters wandering around with a bottle of Bac-Os begging you to “Say ‘when.’”

“Whoa there, lay off my pasta, Ignacio. How about we move those babies over to my salad?”

“Sorry, sir, Bac-Os are reserved for the pasta, but perhaps I can interest you in some marinara sauce for that salad of yours.”