Saturday, August 18, 2007

Random Acts of Kindness

When I was in elementary school, my classmates and I were forced to keep a log of "random acts of kindness." This simple task has made me into the model citizen you know today. However, I have been recently slipping into bad behavior. For instance, two weeks ago I bit a dog. But all that's going to change right now, as I document some of the random acts of kindness I performed throughout the last week.

1. Held the door open for a pregnant woman and resisted the urge to punch her in the stomach.
2. Donated one hundred dollars to a worthy charity, NAMBLA.
3. Wiped the blood from under a crack whore's nose after having my way with her comatose body, as it was the least I could do after what she did, and didn't do, for me.
4. Gave a pint of ice cream to a lactose intolerant homeless man.
5. Only masturbated to horse porn for five, instead of six, hours straight.
6. Helped a grandmother achieve her first orgasm.
7. Protested the unethical treatment of animals by stomping on a bunny's head in front of a first-grade classroom. This also taught many students the concept of death.
8. Wiped my ass with toilet paper instead of the shower curtain.
9. Contacted the police after the second dead body ended up on my doorstep.
10. Tutored a retard.

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