Wednesday, October 03, 2007

The Out-of-Towner

One of my favorite things about Madison is having the ability to walk to most places. No matter where one lives, he or she is guaranteed to be within two blocks of a place to eat, a place to do laundry, and a place to drink. These may even be a single place.

Walking provides my fellow residents and I with many rewards. For instance, the self-satisfaction of improving one’s health, the self-satisfaction of protecting the environment, and the self-satisfaction of self-satisfaction. But more than just satisfying oneself, walking allows the walker to encounter an array of characters. My next few posts will be about these characters.

The Out-of-Towner

Often parents of students, these people walk around astonished that a building can contain ten stories. "That building nearly scrapes the sky," they say, not realizing the sky doesn't even feel a tickle. The woman is timid and wears a sweater (even in the summer) that appears to have been knitted from several old scarves, and her male counterpart has a moustache that would make Tom Selleck say, “Dude, trim that thing.” They both are fat.

My most recent contact with this couple occurred just the other day. I was walking down the sidewalk alone when a car slowly approached me. I heard a voice murmur, “Cheap motel.” I didn't react, assuming the voice wasn't directed at me, but then I heard it again, “Cheap motel.” I looked over and saw a man who was likely an alcoholic with his wife who refused to make eye contact, embarrassed not only by her husband, but by their current predicament.

“Excuse me,” I said to the bloated man, hoping he was asking a question and not making a proposition.

“Point me in the direction of your nearest and cheapest motel,” he demanded.

I was immediately curious of his motive. The first thought that popped into my head was, This guy just convinced his wife to do anal. There were no other possible reasons for the urgency in his voice. None.

To make a long story short, I pointed him in the direction of the DoubleTree, which is certainly not cheap, but they do have beds and, I can only hope, complimentary lubricant.

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