Wednesday, March 05, 2008

For the Record

As a way to get free shipping on, last week I purchased the Guinness World Records 2008 Calendar. Every day I am updated with some trivial feat performed by some nobody who thought said feat would make them a somebody. In a way, they were right. I’ve never been featured in a calendar, not even one made of digital photos, and certainly not one listing any of my achievements (1. Born, 2. Has yet to die.)

But at the same time, I can’t imagine that devoting one’s life to making the world’s largest surfboard or eating the most packing peanuts is very satisfying. We all want to make our mark on the world, but many of these records are closer to blemishes. For instance, I write an unremarkable blog, still hoping to nick the surface of popular culture’s face with my razor sharp wit. That goal may be unrealistic, but at least I’m not the guy who farted “O Canada” in under a minute. (Jealous!)

It just seems like a lot of time, money, and energy is wasted on creating the world’s largest this or the world’s tallest that, when that time, money, and energy could just as easily (no, more easily) be focused on creating the world’s largest food giveaway or the world’s tallest homeless shelter. I hate to end this entry on a preachy note, but quite frankly I’m just sick of getting asked for change. Does anyone even carry change anymore? And your fake limp isn't fooling me! You just walked up to me without the limp!!! Get Guinness on the phone, I just met the world's dumbest homeless person.

This concludes part 44 of Mike's 700-part series on the homeless.

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