I’ve learned so many things over the years, but not as much as I’ve learned in the past year, a year of personal exploration and exploring myself. Here are a few life lessons I’d like to pass on to you, my readers, because my life is more meaningful than yours will ever be.
1. “Live every day to the fullest.” I really mean this. I was sitting on my porch the other day watching little kids playing on their scooters and solving their Rubik’s cubes, when I realized that life is too short to just sit on a porch and watch kids play with their toys. I got out of my chair swing, careful not to fall, and fell right on my face. After a visit to the emergency room, I swore to my doctor that I would never take my life for granted, to which he said, “Get out of my bar.” Inside joke.
2. “Be thankful for what you have.” This one I really mean. I may not have much, but at least I have my health, my love of children, and a three-by-eight inch scar on my forehead from that time I fell face-first onto my porch. I cherish these things because they are what make me who I am today. A pedophile.
3. “Slut it up.” I mean this one a lot, guys. Life is too short, and so should be your skirt. You ride around on your little scooter wearing your Sunday dress like you don’t even notice me, but I know you do. You're a tease. Look at me. LOOK AT ME! Yeah, you heard that one, didn’t you? Oh, what, you’re going to go cry to your mommy now? Go right ahead. I dare you.
4. “Prison is a great place to reflect.”